According to Scientific American magazine, more than 90 percent of people lie in their online dating profiles. Women in their 20s and 30s slyly deduct anywhere from five to 20 lbs. from their weight, while men tend to lie about income, education level and, yes, relationship status. Yikes.
Here, we count the ways regular folks get creative while creating sexier versions of themselves online.
FIB #1: “I’m slim and petite” or “Tall and well-built”
Translation: “I was slim and petite or tall and well-built 15 years ago. I haven’t accepted the fact that I’m no longer a skinny, sexy young thing, and I know that potential dates won’t accept it either, so I take liberties with my self-description and hope you won’t notice the additional 20+ lbs. of jelly I’ve accumulated since the days when my profile photos were taken.”
FIB #2: “I’m tall, dark and handsome.”
Translation: “I’m average in height, looks and style. Simply … average. Nothing more, nothing less.”
Yup — according to Medical News Today, 52.6 percent of men lie about their height online; 39 percent of women do the same. So if you’re expecting someone tall, dark and handsome, think again. When it comes to internet dating, you’re lucky if your date shows up with a couple of hands and a tongue.
FIB #3: “I’m 29.”
Translation: “I’m an old pro at sites like these, and I know that lowering my age to under-30 will help me turn up in more people’s searches. In reality, I’m getting really effing sick of not having any effing luck on these effing websites and, oh yeah, I’m anywhere between the ages of 35 and 50.”
FIB #4: “As the CEO of a successful internet start-up, I enjoy the finer things in life.”
Translation: “As the founder of a bare-bones mail order business that I run out of my mother’s basement, I enjoy spending every waking second of my time on the internet, watching porn, gambling, and living vicariously through my avatar on SecondLife.com.”
FIB #5: “I’m sensitive, smart and funny.”
Translation: “I’m hyper-sensitive, a pretentious wannabe-intellectual and I just might have Tourette’s syndrome, which makes people laugh sometimes. DICKWEED!”
FIB #6: “I make more than $250,000 per year.”
Translation: “I have grandiose fantasies of winning the lottery or striking gold with an internet porn empire … but for now, to make ends meet, I’m your friendly neighborhood manager at Walgreens.”
Salary is one of the biggest things people — especially men — lie about in their profiles. According to Scientific American, men claiming incomes of more than $250,000 got 151 percent more replies than men claiming incomes less than $50,000. Ugh.
FIB #7: “I’m not big on playing games.”
Translation: “I am utterly, unfortunately devoid of ‘edge.’ My lack of sarcasm will astound you. I pride myself on being a good guy/girl, but I’ve been screwed around by prior partners who couldn’t decide whether the sex was decent enough to continue dating earnest little ol’ me. Now I make sure to let everybody and their mother know that I DON’T PLAY MIND GAMES. Never ever ever.”
FIB #8: “I can’t wait to meet you!”
Translation: “I can’t wait to scope you out in person to see whether you’re worth having sex with—or, at least, determine whether you look anything even remotely like that foxy photo you posted of yourself.”
FIB #9: “I just got out of a long relationship, so I’m mainly looking for friends right now.”
Translation: “Having just escaped a bitter, years-long romantic war, I am damaged goods, and I can’t deal with anything more serious than frenzied sexual escapades to help me temporarily forget my misery. But I know that my chances of getting laid will plummet if I indicate that I’m only interested in slutting it up, so I’ll just say that I’m looking for friendship only.”
FIB #10: “My interests include good wine, live music and fine dining.”
Translation: “I have a well-groomed goatee and I like dancing to cheesy techno at Eurotrash clubs. I love having dates buy my dinner. Oh, and I also really like getting hammered. Shots all around! Take off your top!”